The Argument

The helplessness is a red raw baby. Wildly flailing arms. Mouth open in a perfect ‘O’. The scream pierces my eardrum. I draw a quick sharp breath. The panic is funneled up my neck. Now it is searing into my brain. I can’t see. I can’t speak. I can’t think. All I want is for everything to be right. I need security. I need peace. I need you to believe me. The vulnerability I have is etched across my chest. The destitution I feel carved into my face. Eyes wide with longing. Mouth tight in agony. Emotional agony. Anger even. I thought I felt some anger. A quivering flame glowing from the embers in my palm. Crushing violating accusations shot at me straight from the barrel of a gun. Impossible to dodge it takes every effort to defend. Your minions mislead you. It is not true. Distorted fabricated facts slithering like poison up your leg. They tighten around your waist, but they will aim for your neck. They will get you one day. And I will know I tried in all my hopeless disheartened glory.

One day I will find you

The longing feels physical. It is a lump in my throat that grows and as I choke it back it sinks into my stomach. The longing for you to come back is overwhelming. Once I have you on my mind I know you will stay with me all day. I don’t blame you. I love you. Although the pain feels like it will never go away I embrace it. I deserve it. I have to know that I will never forget you. But it is hard. It is an ache like I have never known. It is an irreparable irrecoverable ailment because nothing can bring you back. The loss seems insurmountable today. Sometimes I want to join you. Today I need to. I want to look into your kind warm eyes and lie on the bed with you next to me. I wish I could see you one last time. I have to tell you all the things I never did. I would have told them to you one day. But then you left. And I didn’t have the chance. I have so much regret locked up inside of me. Today it consumes me. I feel like I am losing my mind. If I say them out aloud I am scared you will not hear them. And my words will linger in the air taunting me and dancing in front of my eyes. The words will say they could not find you. They will say you are not there. Not listening. Not caring. I want to move on and I want to accept. I have to. I can’t carry on like this. Sometimes when I miss you most my mind plays tricks on me. It reminds me of the times we argued, the awful things we may have thought. The resentment. The anger. And I feel guilt. I start to think I was not there for you. That had I been there it could have been different. Deep down I have to accept that is not true. I was not important enough. I could not have changed reality. Life was too hard. Life was too painful. You had to escape. You entered into another world without the hurt, the wretchedness, despair and desolation. Where are you now? Do the tiny birds sing to you every morning? Does the coffee smell fresh when you pour it? Do you feel the earth under your bare feet as you glide across the fields, with your beautiful hands outstretched to the long grass? Does the sand slide through your fingers as you kneel by the sea looking out at the sunset? Does the wind blow your hair the right way? Do you ever think of me?